blood-stained. (tarmenel) wrote in tonghwa,
blood-stained.
tarmenel
tonghwa

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{규성} Leap of Faith (tell me you love me?)

Leap of Faith (tell me you love me?)
Yesung/Kyuhyun, 8162 words, R, smut, Han Geng/Donghae




prompt:

word count: 8,162


Leap of Faith (tell me you love me?)







The first time Yesung kisses Kyuhyun, he thinks nothing of it. It’s a tiny little peck from the king of skinship and for all Kyuhyun knows, Yesung kisses all the members, all the time. It’s nothing new, he thinks, and puts it from his mind.

The second time Yesung kisses him, Kyuhyun watches Yesung blush and walk away quietly, almost shyly and Kyuhyun starts rethinking his first thought. Yesung, shy? Surely that isn’t right. Kyuhyun makes a note to observe Yesung’s behaviour with other members later; later, he forgets, and occurrence is gone from his mind.

The third time Yesung kisses Kyuhyun, Ryeowook is in the process of entering the practice room. Yesung pulls away quickly but Ryeowook sees, and gasps and blushes and stammers an apology and slams the door shut all in less than five seconds. Given Ryeowook’s reaction and Yesung’s pink cheeks and downcast eyes, this is something he definitely doesn’t do with other members, Kyuhyun reasons, then realizes that he was rather slow on the uptake.

The fourth time Yesung kisses Kyuhyun, he takes the younger up to the roof and tells him that he likes him as more than a friend and wants Kyuhyun to be his boyfriend. Kyuhyun blinks a few times, and tries to think of an appropriate response. He comes up with nothing, and finds himself wondering what being Yesung’s boyfriend would be like. He bites his lip and shuffles his foot, then sighs and asks Yesung to kiss him again. Yesung frowns, but complies with a hand on Kyuhyun’s neck and another tilting his chin; he presses his soft lips against Kyuhyun’s gently. Kyuhyun takes this time to analyze— Yesung’s hands are warm, his lips supple, and he is pleasing enough to look at. Kyuhyun decides to say yes to Yesung’s request, and Yesung kisses him once, twice more in response.

//

Kyuhyun doesn’t go with his gut feelings— he analyzes, calculates, deduces the sum and makes a decision that way, such as the decision to become Yesung’s boyfriend. So far, it’s been two weeks and Kyuhyun isn’t really seeing any progression in their relationship. He thinks of what he would gain if he sped up the progression himself; to move on from chaste kisses to longer kisses to touches to something with less clothes and more moans. He thinks of orgasms by someone else rather than his own hand, and that is a big gain; he thinks of Yesung and how he thinks he’s in control, and decides to stay the course.

Kyuhyun can tell by the way Yesung looks at him that he wants to go slow, wants the relationship to feel real, wants Kyuhyun to fall in love with him (like Yesung is with Kyuhyun). Kyuhyun decides to go along with Yesung’s wishes. What does Kyuhyun have to loose?

//

Yesung kisses him for the thirtieth time a month into their relationship and Kyuhyun decides enough is enough. As Yesung pulls away, Kyuhyun threads his fingers through Yesung’s hair and pulls him back to kiss him again. Yesung obeys, and kisses Kyuhyun again, and again, and again and suddenly Yesung is pulling away and Kyuhyun doesn’t want him to stop— he grabs Yesung’s head and kisses him, touches his tongue to Yesung’s lips and watches Yesung come undone.

Yesung explores Kyuhyun’s mouth with his tongue slowly, gently. Kyuhyun gets in his way with his tongue and they tangle together, mixing saliva and DNA. Kyuhyun runs his hand down Yesung’s chest and flutters his fingers by the end of Yesung’s shirt, slips them underneath the fabric and touches Yesung’s skin lightly. Yesung shudders at the touch and pulls Kyuhyun closer, and closer still; Kyuhyun moves to sit on Yesung’s lap and feels his heart jump when he feels Yesung’s hands cupping his butt lightly.

At the jump of his pulse, Kyuhyun feels his breathing start to get heavy and he wonders if he should pull away, if he should stop this. He nestles into Yesung’s lap and feels the other man’s arms around him, feels his hands on Kyuhyun’s back and underneath his shirt and decides a few more kisses are… are necessary. Kyuhyun runs his hands up Yesung’s torso and curls them around his neck to pull him closer, and Yesung shifts, and kisses the side of Kyuhyun’s mouth, his jaw. He kisses Kyuhyun’s neck and lower, lower, and all Kyuhyun can do is breathe, remember how to breathe. He can’t remember anything anymore, let alone how far this was supposed to go and Kyuhyun is starting to feel heavy and hard and he doesn’t know how he’s going to stop this or if he can

Yesung pulls away and dumps Kyuhyun on the bed roughly. He touches his lips with his little fingers and licks them slowly, and Kyuhyun can only watch, entranced, throbbing. Yesung flinches at nothing and stares back down at Kyuhyun. He opens his mouth as if to say something, then his face turns red and he flees the room, leaving Kyuhyun like… leaving Kyuhyun.

Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea, Kyuhyun thinks to himself later (much, much later— a long hot shower and a long come later).

He thinks later (another shower and another come later) that he should try that again when they have the apartment to themselves.

(Kyuhyun won’t acknowledge it, but he thinks of Yesung’s intense gaze and soft lips and small hands when he comes, every time. It’s irrelevant, he tells himself.)

//

Kyuhyun lasts a grand total of two days. He won’t admit it, but all he could think of the past two days was Yesung’s gaze and lips and hands and the feel of Yesung’s tongue in his mouth; he decides it’s been long enough, and sets up a seduction for later that night.

The dorm isn’t completely empty; Ryeowook and Siwon are in their respective rooms, but Kyuhyun (can’t) doesn’t want to wait any longer and decides that semi-empty is empty enough for hot sex with his boyfriend.

Yesung comes home from his schedule to Kyuhyun waiting for him in the kitchen. Yesung smiles in greeting and presses a light kiss to Kyuhyun’s lips— it’s all he needs, and Kyuhyun backs Yesung up against the counter and sticks his tongue into Yesung’s mouth, probing, inviting, pleading. Yesung is shocked at first; he came into the kitchen for food, after all, not Kyuhyun, but who is he to complain? He drops his coat on the floor and flips their positions, angling his hips into Kyuhyun’s to press him into the countertop, kissing him back roughly.

Kyuhyun leans back and lets Yesung take over; that was his endgame anyway. He pushes his hands under Yesung’s shirt and pulls him closer, kissing him back passionately. Yesung licks inside Kyuhyun’s mouth and uses his hand to angle Kyuhyun’s chin, going deeper into the caverns of Kyuhyun’s mouth. Kyuhyun feels his knees buckle and Yesung pushes flush against him, one hand gripping his hip tightly.

They kiss for a few more minutes, and Yesung shifts again, kissing the edge of Kyuhyun’s lips and his jaw, and his neck. Kyuhyun tilts his head back to allow Yesung better access and closes his eyes, enjoying the sensation of Yesung’s moist lips and tongue on his neck.

Yesung nips at Kyuhyun’s collarbone and he shudders and moans low in his throat— Yesung’s fingers run teasingly along the small of his back and his flat stomach, and Kyuhyun grips Yesung’s waist tightly. Yesung kisses along Kyuhyun’s collarbone as his hands wander and when his fingers dip inside Kyuhyun’s waistband, he gasps and opens his eyes wide. Out of the corner of his eye, Kyuhyun sees Siwon stop in the doorway to the kitchen. Kyuhyun should be caring about Siwon finding them doing what they are doing, but with Yesung’s tongue on Kyuhyun’s skin, he can’t be bothered with what Siwon thinks— he licks his lips and smirks at the ceiling and listens to Siwon’s startled gasp, to Siwon’s quiet retreat from the kitchen.

Yesung is tugging at Kyuhyun’s shirt impatiently and Kyuhyun decides through a lusty haze that it’s time they move this to somewhere more comfortable, like maybe a bed— he pushes Yesung away and brushes a light kiss on his full lips and slides by him, lacing their fingers together on the way. Kyuhyun tugs Yesung towards the doorway and through the hall. Yesung pushes him into his room and locks the door; Kyuhyun is already tugging off his shirt. Yesung doesn’t wait for anything— he pushes Kyuhyun onto the bed and yanks the shirt off, climbing up and onto Kyuhyun’s legs, leaning down to kiss Kyuhyun’s chest. He leans down to run his fingers down Kyuhyun’s torso and watches as Kyuhyun shivers underneath him.

Yesung rests his butt on Kyuhyun’s erection and wiggles; Kyuhyun lets out a strangled gasp and reaches up to grasp Yesung’s hips, to make him do that again— Yesung grabs his hands and leans forward, holding Kyuhyun’s hands in his. Yesung forces Kyuhyun’s hands over his head and he huffs impatiently, wanting to know why Yesung is still fully clothed and wanting more contact, more, more. Yesung shifts; Kyuhyun moans.

Yesung leans down and captures Kyuhyun’s lips with his own; he kisses him long and slow and leaves Kyuhyun breathless and gasping. When Yesung finally, finally takes off his shirt, Kyuhyun’s hands are set free and he uses this to his advantage— his fingers move to Yesung’s jeans (after taking a detour over Yesung’s toned stomach) and he begins unbuttoning them quickly. Yesung brushes his hands away and leans forward to kiss him again and again. Kyuhyun groans, eager for contact; he shifts under Yesung and grabs Yesung’s hips, squeezing and pulling.

Yesung tongue fucks Kyuhyun for what feels like ever; Kyuhyun wonders if he can orgasm just from kissing. Suddenly, Yesung is sitting up and moving off of Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun deems this unacceptable and moves to grab Yesung’s waist, pull him back down on this bed and demand that he fuck Kyuhyun senseless. Yesung stands up and out of Kyuhyun’s reach, and moves towards the door. W-wait, Kyuhyun is pleading before he even realizes. Yesung looks back and his eyes meet Kyuhyun’s— they are narrow and black with lust and the most intense eyes Kyuhyun has ever seen— he smirks and opens the door and walks out and Kyuhyun thinks he’s going to die.

He shucks out of his jeans and boxers and palms his cock, already leaking pre-come, ready to finish the deed himself because there are not enough cold showers in the world to tame this erection—

The door opens as Kyuhyun is getting close and Yesung enters, a little package in one hand and Kyuhyun’s sanity in the other. Kyuhyun moans at nothing and demands Yesung fuck him, hard, now, and Yesung grins knowingly. He pushes his jeans off, underwear next and Kyuhyun moans again at Yesung’s hard body. Underneath the sweet smile and small hands, …damn, he thinks through the haze clouding his mind.

Then Yesung’s mouth is on Kyuhyun’s nipple and he can’t think of anything at all (it’s an entirely new feeling for him). Yesung licks his nipple and sucks it into his mouth, biting it and rolling his tongue around it. Kyuhyun arches at the sensation and thinks maybe he can come from just Yesung’s mouth on his skin. Yesung licks a trail to his other nipple and Kyuhyun bites his lip to keep from crying out. Just fuck me, he begs without thinking (thinking? who is thinking anymore?) Yesung shakes his head and licks his skin, nips the skin on one of his ribs and moves downward, down, down. Kyuhyun wants to put his head into a pillow and scream release but he also wants to watch Yesung, and he decides on the latter; he lifts his head and watches Yesung’s descent downward. He gasps before Yesung’s tongue even touches his cock and Yesung laughs and grabs his balls teasingly. Kyuhyun groans and bucks his hips; Yesung licks a path down his cock and downwards, further.

When he pushes a finger inside Kyuhyun’s entrance, Kyuhyun thinks he really is going to die if Yesung doesn’t fuck him soon. He ignores the discomfort one finger causes and pushes down. More, he mutters, and Yesung obliges with a low chuckle. He adds another finger and the discomfort increases— Kyuhyun ignores it and pushes down. Yesung isn’t fooled. He takes his time, stretching Kyuhyun out and Kyuhyun thinks he’s going crazy. He brings a hand up to his mouth and bites the knuckle; Yesung presses a kiss to the top of Kyuhyun’s cock and he jumps and moans and Yesung adds another finger. He thrusts them in and out slowly, achingly slowly and when they stop feeling uncomfortable and start feeling good, Kyuhyun moans Yesung’s name wantonly and reaches down to tangle his fingers in Yesung’s hair, drag him back up.

Yesung pulls his fingers out and Kyuhyun feels a strange emptiness— he replaces fingers with his cock and Kyuhyun feels full, and he likes it. Yesung shifts on top of him and Kyuhyun hisses; Yesung apologizes and shifts and Kyuhyun lifts his legs and tells Yesung to just do it— when Yesung finally moves, Kyuhyun is too close, he’s coming too soon like some kind of adolescent boy and he tells Yesung to slow down, wait, wait.

Yesung hovers over him and Kyuhyun shudders, forcing himself to think through the haze; he thinks of numbers and how many kisses has Yesung given him since that day a month and two days ago and fuck it, he has lost count and Yesung says he can’t hold on; he thrusts and leans down, pushing his tongue into Kyuhyun’s mouth roughly. He thrusts his tongue to the time of the thrusts of his hips and Kyuhyun is back at the brink, looking over the edge, oh, fuck, there!

Kyuhyun comes so hard his vision blurs and Yesung’s hot breath is heating up his neck and Kyuhyun can’t do anything but lie there underneath him; Kyuhyun doesn’t want to do anything else anyway.

Later, much later, Kyuhyun snuggles closer to Yesung’s warmth just because he can and smirks to himself in the darkness. So far, it was worth it to become Yesung’s boyfriend, he thinks to himself. Orgasms like that are definitely worth it.

//

It took a month and two days but after that, sex becomes a regular thing and Kyuhyun only has to jack off once a day in the shower (while thinking about Yesung’s body and Yesung’s sex eyes and Yesung). He thinks this is an amazing benefit of being a boyfriend, and pats himself on the back for not immediately rejecting Yesung when he first got up the nerve to ask, all that time ago.

//

Yesung kisses Kyuhyun after sex three months into their relationship and it’s an entirely new kind of kiss; it’s a sweet, slow kind of kiss, a kiss to tell someone how much they mean to you, a kiss to tell someone how much you love them. Kyuhyun accepts the kiss and the gentle caress that goes with it, and spends the rest of the night wondering about it. Is that Yesung’s way of telling Kyuhyun he loves him? Kyuhyun analyzes the kiss and the caress and tries to think of the benefits of having someone like Yesung in love with him— he could get the best parts in the songs, he reasons. He could get good sex all the time, he thinks. And Yesung isn’t too needy or anything, he considers.

Yes, having Yesung be in love with him might actually work to his advantage. Kyuhyun decides this is a good step in the relationship, and goes to sleep.

//

Four months into the relationship and Yesung kisses Kyuhyun sweetly before going out to meet Jaejoong and Changmin for drinks; Kyuhyun accepts the kiss and says goodbye and Siwon sits across from Kyuhyun after Yesung leaves. I know what you’re doing, he says. Kyuhyun has never seen Siwon so serious.

What am I doing? Kyuhyun asks with a raised eyebrow.

You’re leading him on, Siwon answers and his voice is an octave lower. You’re jerking him along. You’re playing him.

Kyuhyun thinks about this, and analyzes: what is the benefit of lying to Siwon? And if he didn’t lie, if he told the truth, what are the chances he would tell Yesung? Would Yesung care? Does Yesung already know? Kyuhyun analyzes in seconds and makes a decision.

So what if I am? Kyuhyun sneers. He’s happy. I’m satisfied. What’s the problem?

Siwon doesn’t see eye to eye with Kyuhyun— why would he? Siwon is a man of God; Kyuhyun is a man of reason. Siwon shakes his head and his eyes are angry. That isn’t how it works, Kyuhyun. You’re going to hurt him. You need to stop.

Kyuhyun glares back at Siwon and dares him with his eyes to challenge him. What does Siwon know, anyway? Kyuhyun is just in this for the ride. Kyuhyun looks out for Kyuhyun, and no one else.

Siwon leans back in the chair as Kyuhyun gets up, and Kyuhyun can’t help but stop at the doorway. Will you tell him?

Siwon makes no movement. Kyuhyun arcs a glance at him, and decides his silence is a yes. He goes back to his room and shuts the door and ponders the cons of breaking up with Yesung. No sex. Definitely a con.

//

Six months into the relationship, Yesung takes Kyuhyun up to the roof and tells him he is in love with him. Kyuhyun resists the urge to shrug and just smiles blandly back at Yesung, and says what else? I love you too.

His words fall flat on his own ears and Yesung laughs and pats his shoulder and Kyuhyun almost heaves a sigh of relief. We love at different speeds, Yesung says with a smile. You can say it back whenever you want.

Kyuhyun gives a little sigh that he can’t hold in and leans his forehead against Yesung’s gently. Thank you, he whispers. Yesung cups his face in his small hands and kisses Kyuhyun in that way, sweet and loving and tender.

Later that night, under sticky sheets and nestled into Yesung’s sweaty body, Kyuhyun feels a twinge of something in the back of his mind. He disregards it completely and snuggles closer to Yesung’s warmth. (It couldn’t have been guilt. No, never.)

//

Seven months into their relationship, Yesung tells Kyuhyun he loves him every night. Kyuhyun just smiles and kisses him and goes to sleep. Seven months and two weeks into their relationship, Kibum returns from shooting a movie and corners Kyuhyun in the bathroom.

At first, Kyuhyun thinks Kibum is going to berate him for this whole thing with Yesung; then Kibum has his hands around Kyuhyun’s butt and his tongue in Kyuhyun’s mouth and a massive erection digging into Kyuhyun’s hip and Kyuhyun realizes that Kibum only has one thing on his mind, and he’s always open for sex.

Kibum fucks him hard into the bathroom sink and Kyuhyun bites his lip so hard to keep from crying out, he draws blood. Kibum comes hard into Kyuhyun’s passage and pulls out seconds later, leaving Kyuhyun aching and unfinished. What the fuck, Kibum? Kyuhyun growls. Kibum shrugs and pulls up his pants. Gotta go, sugar, he says breezily, and tweaks Kyuhyun’s aching cock as he leaves.

Kyuhyun strips down and gets in the shower and finishes himself (never mind the fact that he can’t come unless he’s thinking about Yesung’s body and Yesung’s eyes and Yesung). He washes his hair while he’s in the shower and berates himself. What was he thinking? Fucking Kibum like that, what if someone had caught them? Kyuhyun decides that free sex does not necessarily mean good sex and he has to protect his investment— no more heated encounters in the bathroom, or anywhere else, he tells himself, and leaves the shower.

//

It all goes to hell later that night when Kibum comes back. Yesung is helping Han Geng cook and Kyuhyun is sitting at the table, waiting— he sees no benefit to helping, he would only get in the way, so he waits. Kibum waltzes in, says hello to Han Geng and Yesung, and comes over to Kyuhyun to grab his crotch. Maybe later we can finish what we started in the bathroom this morning, he says with a wink, and then he’s gone and Kyuhyun is damning Kibum and himself to all kinds of special hell.

Kyuhyun watches as Yesung stiffens, and straightens his shoulders; then he relaxes and passes Han Geng the soy sauce and Kyuhyun wonders if Yesung heard Kibum, because Kibum was rather loud and Yesung has very good ears—

Kyuhyun bites his lip as Han Geng leans over and asks if Yesung is all right, and Kyuhyun decides its time to leave.

He is walking down the hallway when Siwon’s voice stops him. Happy now? is all he says. Kyuhyun lets the remark roll off him and closes his door. He leans against it and asks himself why he did that, why he had bad sex with Kibum when he could have great sex with Yesung and it has nothing to do with feelings because Kyuhyun doesn’t do feelings— he’s a man of reason, a man of reason.

//

Kyuhyun is a man of reason, he tells himself as Yesung steps inside his room and closes the door. He leans against it like Kyuhyun was doing not one hour ago and Kyuhyun analyzes the situation. Yesung is upset— his eyes are red and bleak and his hands are deep in his pockets, his shoulders slumped. Kyuhyun analyzes the probability of Yesung forgiving him; maybe if he were to cry a little—

You were never going to say it, were you, Yesung murmurs. His voice is soft and low and Kyuhyun feels a shiver of awareness go down his spine unchecked.

Kyuhyun wants to analyze, wants to check the pros and cons and think out the scenarios in his mind; his mouth answers before his brain can catch up.

No, it says, and the minute it’s out Kyuhyun wants to shove it back in his mouth (not because of Yesung’s reaction to the word at all, but because he could’ve found the perfect way to deal with this had his mouth not taken control of his body).

Yesung says nothing. He takes a deep, shuddering breath and lifts his head to smile into Kyuhyun’s eyes. Kyuhyun can’t analyze anything anymore.

Goodbye, then, Yesung whispers as he closes the door.

Kyuhyun blinks at the door and at his hands and at his half-hard cock in his jeans. Back to jacking off twice a day, he thinks, and falls back on the bed.

//

The next two weeks are hell, but Kyuhyun won’t admit it. Yesung hides in his room and Han Geng looks at Kyuhyun sadly from across the apartment. Ryeowook won’t talk to him and Siwon is the worst. He pushes Kyuhyun up against the wall and puts a hand on his throat.

Look what you’ve done, he snarls and Kyuhyun has never seen Siwon this undone.

Kyuhyun doesn’t even know what to say. He opens his mouth to apologize, but that isn’t right— Kyuhyun isn’t going to apologize, he has nothing to apologize for, right? He closes his mouth and wonders what he can say. I’m not sorry, is what comes out before Kyuhyun can analyze and Siwon is punching him in the stomach before he can react.

A quiet plea for him to stop halts Siwon before he can land another blow and Kyuhyun looks up and into Yesung’s dark, unreadable eyes. Siwon takes a deep breath to calm himself and Kyuhyun wishes he were anywhere else.

Yesung just breathes, and smiles. He walks up to Kyuhyun. You’re a real asshole, he murmurs with no feeling, and walks off. For a brief moment Kyuhyun remembers the feel of Yesung’s soft lips on his own, and he wonders what he has lost.

//

Four weeks after they break up, Kyuhyun stops outside Yesung’s room and peeks in. Kibum is inside, apologizing for what he did, saying he didn’t know, pleading with Yesung to please forgive him, please. Yesung waves away the pleas and hugs Kibum tightly. I was never mad at you, never, he says. You couldn’t have known.

Kyuhyun suddenly wants to bang his head into the wall until something breaks, either his head or the wall. He wants to run in there and break Kibum’s cock and throw him out the window and he wants to feel Yesung’s fingers upon his face once again.

The feelings hit him with such force that Kyuhyun stifles a gasp and hurries to the bathroom. He sits on the edge of the tub and gasps, and gasps. A drop falls on his knee and he wonders where it came from; a touch to his cheek and that’s where it came from. Kyuhyun is crying. Kyuhyun is crying.

Fuck, he says out loud. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

//

Kyuhyun stays up all night analyzing the situation. He catalogues everything and puts it in special places in his mind and calculates. Probability of Yesung taking him back? 12% Probability of Yesung believing him when Kyuhyun says I love you? .03%

Kyuhyun stays up all night analyzing and it doesn’t get him anywhere. At 6:09 in the morning he puts his head in his hands and gives up, and sobs. There’s no way he can fix this, he decides. There’s no way.

//

Kyuhyun has to go to China with Super Junior M and he’s thankful for the distraction. One more minute around Yesung and he was about to throw himself on the floor at his feet and beg for forgiveness, strip off his clothes and beg Yesung to fuck him, if only just one more time.

In China, Kyuhyun fucks every willing girl he can find and thinks of Yesung every time. Han Geng yells at him once or twice but can’t find the energy to lecture him every time and gives up. Zhou Mi looks on disapprovingly and Ryeowook has to keep Siwon occupied so that Siwon won’t beat the living shit out of Kyuhyun— when Kyuhyun tries to say thank you, Ryeowook slaps him. Donghae glares at him during meals and Henry pulls Kyuhyun aside after a while.

You know this won’t make it stop hurting, he says quietly. There’s a pity in his eyes that makes Kyuhyun flinch.

I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kyuhyun replies. Henry shakes his head and puts a hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder.

I think you do, he murmurs. He turns to leave and Kyuhyun watches with dismay. He stopped analyzing weeks ago. I’ll be here if you need me, Henry calls, and walks away.

//

Kyuhyun fucks the thirty-fifth girl in three weeks and Han Geng gets up and comes at him and Kyuhyun experiences real fear. The look on his face is livid; Kyuhyun remembers that Han Geng is an expert at martial arts and shies away. It doesn’t matter— Han Geng’s face dissolves into a look of pain and Donghae darts to catch him before he crumples to the floor. Donghae carries him to the couch and makes sure he’s okay, kisses his forehead and Kyuhyun watches from the doorway, heart still pounding in his chest. Donghae touches Han Geng’s stomach lightly and Han Geng pushes the hair back from Donghae’s head gently. (Is this the elusive love? Kyuhyun wonders. Is this what it looks like?)

Donghae is up before Kyuhyun realizes and he pins Kyuhyun to the wall faster than Siwon. You need help, Donghae growls. You need to stop this. Stop with the girls, stop with the counting, stop, just stop.

Kyuhyun gasps for air and Donghae releases him. Kyuhyun gasps for something else and Donghae catches him before he falls, and lowers him to the ground. Kyuhyun is gasping and crying and sobbing and he can’t stop it, he can’t stop the tears.

I love him, he gasps to the room. I love him. What have I done?

Donghae sits by Han Geng and watches Kyuhyun come apart. You fucked everything up, Donghae says. You fucked it up real bad.

//

Kyuhyun doesn’t want to hear the word analyze ever again. He wants to crawl into a hole and never come out because every time he does, he says or does something fucking stupid and he can’t seem to find a way to stop, so he might as well just die.

Siwon refuses to look at him and Ryeowook is attached to Siwon at the arm— Zhou Mi tells Kyuhyun that he’ll always be his friend. Han Geng is weak, and Donghae spends all his time taking care of him. Donghae helps Han Geng out of bed and whispers in his ear before a show; Donghae hugs Han Geng close to his strong body and lends him heat, strength, love. Kyuhyun watches and hates himself.

Henry comes into Kyuhyun’s room at night and sits on his bed. Kyuhyun stares at the wall and says nothing. Thanks, Henry mutters after a while.

Kyuhyun doesn’t want to answer at first. He misheard. What could Henry possibly be thanking him for? He answers without thinking. For what?

Henry looks him in the eye and says, for stopping. Kyuhyun must’ve given him a strange look, because Henry elaborates. The girls, he says moving his hands in a circular motion. Thanks for not doing any more girls, thanks for not counting anymore, thanks for not making me watch you destroy yourself.

Kyuhyun stares at Henry and doesn’t say anything. What is there to say? You’re welcome? Thank you, Henry, he says instead, without thinking; Henry smiles and pats him on the leg, and Kyuhyun thinks he might have to start speaking without thinking more often.

Henry gets up to leave and pauses at the door. It’s not too late, you know, he says. It’s never too late to say you’re sorry.

He leaves Kyuhyun with that bit of wisdom and shuts the door. Kyuhyun analyzes— Kyuhyun slaps himself in the face and threatens himself that if he ever uses the word analyze ever again, that he’s just going to throw himself off the roof.

Nothing good comes from analyzing.

//

Two months after the break-up and Kyuhyun is crying himself to sleep every night. Henry pokes his head in every now and then to give Kyuhyun a tissue or a hug or a slap in the face, whatever is necessary. Kyuhyun never thought he had such a good friend in Henry and promises he’ll get better, this will get better. Henry just shrugs. It’s love, not some disease. It won’t get better, he reasons. Kyuhyun doesn’t like the sound of that.

Two months and one week after the break-up and Kyuhyun wakes up with red eyes and no morning erection. He thinks his penis has dried up and wilted and blown away and he thinks he’s okay with that. He gets up and pads to the kitchen— everyone else is already up and Han Geng is getting ready to hold some kind of meeting.

I’m sick, he tells them five minutes later. Donghae stands behind Han Geng and massages his shoulders gently; Henry bites his lip, then asks what’s wrong, and if he’s okay. I’m just weak, and I need rest, Han Geng answers with a smile and a touch on Henry’s cheek. I just need some rest, then I’ll be fine.

Will they give you time to rest? Siwon asks grimly. They all know who “they” is— SM, the big bosses.

They better give him time to rest, Donghae growls in response. Siwon nods, and Ryeowook holds his arm tightly.

Are you going to talk to the manager? Zhou Mi wants to know.

Right now, Donghae says, and takes Han Geng’s hand. Kyuhyun watches Donghae lead Han Geng outside and gets a bad feeling.

Donghae and Han Geng come back ten minutes later and Han Geng is in tears, and Donghae looks like he’s going to kill someone. They said no, Donghae snarls, and Han Geng tilts his head into Donghae’s neck. Siwon punches the wall and Henry wipes away a tear. They said no, Zhou Mi whispers.

//

Two months and two weeks after the break-up (one week after Han Geng is told no) Super Junior M goes back to Korea and Kyuhyun is a nervous wreck. His insides are being torn up and butterflies is not how he would describe the bats in his stomach. He sweats through two t-shirts before Henry smacks him on the arm and tells him to chill the fuck out, in English. Kyuhyun shakes and bites back a sob but a tear makes it out and drips onto his hand and Henry wipes it away. Come on, Henry says gently. It’ll be fine.

It is fine. It’s more than fine. It’s too fine. Yesung smiles his fake little smile and hugs everyone, everyone, and Kyuhyun gets to feel those arms around him once more. He stops himself from melting into the touch and holds back the sigh that struggles to be let free. Yesung moves past him without a hitch and Kyuhyun thinks maybe Yesung is already over him.

Henry pulls Kyuhyun to the side and Zhou Mi joins them. They all watch as Donghae pulls Eeteuk aside, talking quietly while gesturing at Han Geng, safe in Yesung’s embrace. Eeteuk blanches, and puts a hand to his mouth and shakes his head— he goes to Han Geng and takes him in his arms carefully, and Yesung hands him over. Han Geng holds Eeteuk and tells him it’s not his fault; Eeteuk apologizes anyway, over and over again.

Kyuhyun wants to go hide in his room; Yesung is too close and Kyuhyun is too raw, too in love, too emotional. Henry tells him to stay and Siwon demands he stay and he stays. It doesn’t matter anyway— they leave to do their schedules not ten minutes later and Kyuhyun says a wistful goodbye to Henry and Zhou Mi.

Heechul flutters over Han Geng like a mother hen and Siwon leaves Ryeowook to take his position by Han Geng’s side. Donghae presses a soft kiss to Han Geng’s lips and another to his palm and leaves him to stand next to Eunhyuk. Kyuhyun wanders over to Ryeowook and Yesung stands on the other side of Ryeowook and next to Eunhyuk. Eunhyuk grabs Yesung’s hand and squeezes and Kyuhyun’s breath catches, and he pretends he doesn’t notice and pretends he didn’t see (but he did and now it’s all he can think about).

While he thought about the possibility of Yesung getting over him and finding new love, Kyuhyun never actually thought it would happen and now the possibility of it happening (and with someone like Eunhyuk— not that Eunhyuk was a bad person, it’s just that Eunhyuk is not Kyuhyun and no one is better for Yesung than Kyuhyun, in Kyuhyun’s opinion) twists Kyuhyun into the biggest knot in the book and he is having trouble breathing.

They go onstage and Kyuhyun is expected to act normal. He is expected to act as if his heart isn’t being crushed and stomped on and put through a cheese grater and eaten by bears. He is expected to act as if the man he loves isn’t one person away from him, so close yet never so far. And most of all, he is expected to act as if he isn’t in love with a man.

Kyuhyun stays out of the spotlight and smiles and does his duty and feels as though he’s going to pass out from the exhaustion of it all afterwards. They pile in the van, Kyuhyun sliding in first and Heechul sliding in after him and Sungmin last, Siwon and Ryeowook and Shindong next, Eunhyuk and Yesung after that. Eeteuk slides in and helps Donghae with Han Geng, who looks like he’s about to collapse. The door closes and Donghae holds Han Geng close; Eeteuk watches on sadly and Heechul curses quietly next to Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun can’t take his eyes off Yesung and Eunhyuk, sitting there with their heads together, talking quietly two seats in front of him. Kyuhyun wants to shove Eunhyuk off a cliff, wants to tie Eunhyuk up in the closet, wants to shake Eunhyuk until he realizes that Yesung is his.

Kyuhyun wants Yesung to be his. Eunhyuk rests his head on Yesung’s shoulder and Yesung curls an arm around Eunhyuk’s shoulders and Kyuhyun has to remind himself to breathe.

//

Super Junior M has to go to Thailand for some awards show and Donghae is worrying so much, Kyuhyun is afraid he’s going to get an ulcer. Geng isn’t doing good, he needs rest, he can’t fucking do this anymore, I refuse to sit here and watch him die God damn it!

Siwon grabs his arms and tells him to calm down, Han Geng is not going to die and everything is going to be fine. Donghae gasps and puts his head in his hands and wonders out loud how much makeup it will take to make Han Geng look healthy.

The awards show is the last straw and Donghae tells everyone that Han Geng is filing a lawsuit.

Like Jaejoong? Ryeowook asks quietly. And Yoochun and Junsu?

Exactly like that, Donghae says grimly. He looks shattered— Siwon wraps him in a hug and Donghae starts to cry.

It’s okay, Siwon whispers. Everything will work out fine. SM needs Han Geng. China adores him. They won’t let him go. They’ll fix this.

Donghae nods into Siwon’s arm and composes himself. Kyuhyun thinks of Super Junior M without Han Geng and fails. Kyuhyun thinks of Super Junior without Han Geng and fails. We can’t do this without him, Kyuhyun says without thinking.

We won’t have to, Siwon says gently. Henry pushes his face into Kyuhyun’s arm and Donghae leaves.

//

Kyuhyun thinks with so much drama going on and the livelihood of their leader being threatened, he shouldn’t be so self-centered as to think of his own problems. Yet here he is, sitting in his room at the Super Junior dorm, brooding over Yesung and Eunhyuk (in his mind they are a couple) and where he went wrong. Can he still salvage his relationship with Yesung (if he could call it a relationship)?

Kyuhyun watches Eunhyuk and Yesung cook lunch from the doorway and sees the happy smile on Yesung’s face and the way Eunhyuk touches him. Kyuhyun watches Eunhyuk look at Yesung like he’s everything he’s ever wanted and he watches Yesung blush and shuffle his feet and Kyuhyun chokes back a sob. He goes into the bathroom and takes a shower. He turns on the water and sits on the rim of the tub and cries. There’s no way, he thinks. It’s over. Done.

//

You’re an idiot, Henry says later that day. Anyone can see they’re just friends. You’re making this bigger than it is.

Kyuhyun wants to believe Henry (he should, because everything Henry has ever said has been dead right) but knows he can’t. Kyuhyun pushes Eunhyuk and Yesung to the back of his mind and focuses on Super Junior without Han Geng, and wonders how long SM can hold out with the proceedings.

//

Kyuhyun cries himself to sleep that night, and the next, and the next. He sobs into his pillow and tries to muffle the sound and Henry comes in with the tissues and the slaps and the small touches. Do you even know why you’re upset? he asks on the fourth night. Kyuhyun shakes his head and continues crying. What does it matter?

Kyuhyun cries for lost love and lost emotion and lost analysis. He cries for Han Geng and Donghae and their secret, beautiful love and he cries for the love he threw away. He cries for Siwon and Ryeowook and the relationship they have to hide and he cries for Henry and Zhou Mi and the bad treatment they always get. He cries for Super Junior M and Super Junior and he cries for himself.

On the fifth morning, Kyuhyun gets up at six in the morning and can’t sleep. He pads into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee to find a pot already made— he pours himself a cup and sits down at the table. There’s no one around and Kyuhyun doesn’t think anything of it.

Kyuhyun realizes he should’ve when Yesung comes in from outside, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt and sweating. Kyuhyun gapes at Yesung and gapes, and gapes. He tries to say hello and good morning but all that comes out is silence and Kyuhyun stops trying. His heart is going triple speed and he wants to sink into the floor. Yesung picks up the end of his shirt and wipes his sweaty face— Kyuhyun stares at the exposed skin of his navel and chest and feels a stirring in his groin area. What are you doing up? Yesung wants to know.

I’m—uh, Kyuhyun answers intelligently, and stares down into his coffee cup. Yesung sits across from him and opens the paper. I couldn’t sleep, Kyuhyun finally gets out in a small voice.

Hmm, Yesung intones, and opens the front page. Maybe it’s because you’re doing too much crying at night? Yesung arches an eyebrow at the paper and flips another page. Kyuhyun gapes. Yesung looks up and meets Kyuhyun’s gaze; he looks away quickly and smirks. You’re very loud, you know.

Kyuhyun can only stare at Yesung with wide eyes and his brain flies through possibilities of what to say, what he can say. In the end, he says something without thinking and it isn’t in the possibilities and Kyuhyun thinks he’s better off. I’m sorry, he whispers. Kyuhyun thinks it’s the truest thing he’s ever uttered.

Yesung looks at him with big eyes. He gazes into Kyuhyun’s eyes for a long time. Kyuhyun stares back, willing Yesung to believe him with every fiber of his being. I love you, he thinks to himself. After a while, Yesung looks down at the table and sighs. I know you are, he says with another sigh. And… I forgive you. Yesung looks back up at Kyuhyun with a tiny, tentative smile and Kyuhyun thinks it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

Yesung gets up before Kyuhyun can profess his undying love, and Kyuhyun sits at the table with a dopey look on his face until Henry finds him half an hour later. Well, it’s a start, Henry says after Kyuhyun tells him what happens.

Kyuhyun thinks he can deal with that.

//

Kyuhyun spends the rest of the day bipolar. For a few hours after his talk with Yesung, he is happy as a lark. He sees Yesung fooling around with Eunhyuk in his room and his mood drops to morose. Yesung smiles at him a few hours later, a genuine smile (like the ones he used to receive when they were in a relationship) and he floats up to cloud nine again; he sees Yesung wrap Eunhyuk’s head in a tight hug and he almost punches something.

Kyuhyun is experiencing another high when Donghae breaks down at the lunch table and Eeteuk pulls him from the table. Yesung gets up to go make sure Donghae is okay and Kyuhyun feels the high fading. Super Junior is in a bad place, he realizes suddenly. Kibum MIA and Kangin on suspension, Han Geng down for the count. What’s going to happen next? he asks himself, Donghae filing a lawsuit too?

Eeteuk sits back down at the table and upon a closer look, Kyuhyun sees that Eeteuk is exhausted and frail. Sungmin grasps his thin fingers on the tabletop but Kyuhyun knows that it’s not enough. Eeteuk needs what Donghae is to Han Geng and Kyuhyun wonders who can offer such support. Yesung throws his chopsticks on the table and pulls Eeteuk up by the other hand. He wraps his arm around Eeteuk’s thin waist and walks him out of the room.

Kyuhyun glances at Eunhyuk and sees that the other boy is unfazed— perhaps this is something that happens all the time. He stuffs a few more spoonfuls of rice into his mouth and goes to get up. Henry rises with him and they both walk down the hall quietly. Kyuhyun goes to Eeteuk’s room and peeks in the crack in the door— Yesung holds Eeteuk to him gently as he cries and Kyuhyun stabs the jealousy within him and tells himself he’s bigger than this; he is bigger than this. Henry slips by Kyuhyun and slides through the door; he touches Yesung’s shoulder (Kyuhyun watches with wide eyes from the doorway) and indicates he’ll take over. Yesung pulls away from Eeteuk and Henry takes Eeteuk’s face in his hands and presses his lips to the older man’s forehead and Kyuhyun suddenly understands why Henry seems to know everything (because he does, obviously). Yesung slides out of the room and comes face to face with Kyuhyun.

They stare at each other in a completely new way— both of them as if seeing the other for the first time. They both open their mouths at the same time but Kyuhyun speaks first (without thinking). I’m scared, he whispers.

Me too, Yesung whispers back. His fingers touch Kyuhyun’s tentatively and Kyuhyun grips Yesung’s hand like it’s a life vest and he’s drowning.

What’s going to happen to us, if— Kyuhyun hears himself murmur. Yesung cuts him off with a finger over his lips and Kyuhyun’s eyes flutter at the sensation; Yesung pulls away.

Nothing is going to happen, Yesung whispers. We are Super Junior.

Kyuhyun grips Yesung’s hand tighter and leans closer, closer to his body heat, closer to the man in front of him. I’m so in love with you, he mutters, more to himself than to Yesung. I know it’s too late but I never meant to hurt you.

Kyuhyun closes his eyes and waits in the darkness. He listens to Yesung’s breathing, hears the catch in his breath and his shuddering inhale, shivering exhale. He listens to Yesung’s movement and hears a rustling and Yesung’s fingers are untangling from his (he’s doomed, he didn’t think and he said the wrong fucking thing, again and again never fucking fail) and moving to his face and the unmistakable press of his soft lips on Kyuhyun’s forehead undoes him— he throws his arms around the body in front of him and buries his face in Yesung’s neck and cries.

I’m so sorry I hurt you, Kyuhyun hears himself say over and over and over. Yesung holds him tight and strokes his hair and shushes him, and Kyuhyun quiets after a while. Jongwoon-hyung, Kyuhyun whispers. I love you so much.

I know you do, Kyuhyun,
Yesung whispers back. His lips curl against Kyuhyun’s forehead and Kyuhyun can’t take it anymore. He pulls back and looks into Yesung’s gorgeous eyes and feels his breath catch and his spine shiver and he’s speaking before he knows it (no thinking, no thinking— what’s thinking anyway?)

Do you, do you, have you— do you still love me too? Kyuhyun stammers, voice small. Yesung smiles wide and kisses Kyuhyun’s cheek and ruffles his hair and Kyuhyun feels his chest tighten.

I’ve only ever loved you, Kyuhyun, Yesung murmurs into Kyuhyun’s skin, and Kyuhyun gives up and melts into Yesung’s embrace.

//

Even with all this going to shit, Kyuhyun whispers, I’m still ridiculously happy that you— that, that this is—

I know what you mean,
Yesung chuckles. He turns and catches Kyuhyun’s lips with his and listens to the breath catch in Kyuhyun’s throat. I’m happy too.

Kyuhyun sighs into Yesung and nuzzles closer. I love you.

Yesung hums low in his throat and kisses Kyuhyun’s forehead. You better get used to saying that, he murmurs.

I’ll say it every day, and every night, and before every kiss, Kyuhyun vows with a smile. I love you, he says, and tilts his face up for a kiss.

Don’t you dare forget, Yesung growls, and grins into Kyuhyun’s hair.

Never ever, Kyuhyun promises obediently.

Listen, Yesung pulls away and looks down at Kyuhyun seriously. I want us to take this slow, okay? I know that— it’s just, it’s different now, and…

Kyuhyun shakes his head and kisses Yesung’s jaw. I understand. We’ll take it slow. I love you.

Yesung stares down at Kyuhyun and smiles, and Kyuhyun just knows that everything is going to be okay. There may not be reason or analysis or rationale behind it, but hell. Kyuhyun is taking it on faith.

////


end.




Tags: !rating: r, #fandom: super junior, #personal challenge, otp: han geng/donghae, pairing: kyuhyun/yesung
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